How to Accept That You’ve Grown Apart From Old Friends
Have you ever lost a friend because you grew apart? I have. (And if I’m being 100% honest, it hurts like hell.)
Today, I want to share the lessons I’ve learned about losing friends and why ending a friendship can be a good thing.
I had a childhood friend, let's call her Sarah.
Sarah came to my house every weekend, we'd listen to Destiny's Child CDs and choreograph dances to all the songs. It was my favorite pass time. I have no idea if she loved it as much as I did, but she played along anyway.
Sarah's family always opened their door to me; our parents became friends. We were like sisters.
At 13, Sarah ran away from home began writing me letters documenting her travels. She detailed trips to different states, rendezvous with sketchy characters, and a world of money and drugs that sounded like something from the movie Hustle & Flow.
While I lived a (mostly) average teenage life.
One winter, I could not afford a winter coat, and I didn't want to ask my mother for it because she was a single mom, raising four kids on her own.
I shivered every morning to and from school… until Sarah sent me a black Baby Phat jacket with Kimora Lee Simmons' signature cat logo on the back in all it's gold glory.
I cherished the jacket… and our friendship more than anything. I didn't care who Sarah had become, she was my sister.
She came home sometime during my college years.
She had two children whose fathers were both in jail. When I visited, she's smoke on the balcony of her one-bedroom apartment while I sat on the other side of the sliding glass door avoiding second-hand smoke. We left a small crack in the door, so we could talk about old times, dance routines, and our aging parents.
She could be herself - and I could be myself. We knew there was a vast difference in our worlds now, but the laughter and love still roared through the glass.
Until one day, Sarah came to my daughter's birthday party, where she met my friends from college. She stormed out, yelling that she would never fit in with my perfect life, perfect friends who spoke perfect English.
That was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
In this post, I want to share with you a few truths I've learned about losing friends. In society, we associate loss as a bad thing. I would love to help you consider a different way of thinking about losing a cherished friendship.
How to Appreciate Lost Friendships and Move On
Everyone should be allowed to be themselves.
Imagine you feel your best, most beautiful, wearing bold, red lipstick. Now imagine that your loved ones look at you with disgust and make you feel like an outcast for being the version of yourself that feels good. They hand you nude shades and chapstick. They tell you to "tone it down" as if their love is contingent upon shades of nude lips.
Sounds crazy, right? But, we do this all the time with loved ones.
We'll allow them to become whoever they want to be… as long as its in line with our expectations. Whether your friend becomes a doctor or a drug dealer is up to them. Their choices are based on their experiences, their life, their desires.
It's not your job to tell your friends who they should be or why. Let them wear red lipstick and dance in the rain.
The beauty of this world is that we have the freedom to become anyone we want. Accept that your friend wants something different, and they should have a right to choose every step of their journey, the same way you do.
Growing apart is a good thing.
There was no denying it - I'd grown far apart from the person my friend had become, but I didn't want to admit it.
I continued coming to her house and checking in on her. I called weekly, even though she's inevitably yell at me by the end of the call for being "privalaged" and hang up.
I kept trying over and over again because I still loved her, even though I knew our distance hurt to talk about.
When I stopped calling her, she could once again feel comfortable as herself. She could talk on the phone with people she wanted to talk to, instead of holding on to childhood memories that only hurt in the present.
I could also spend my time exploring who I'd become. I could learn the places and people I wanted to surround myself with. I could feel comfortable being myself around people who understood me.
Accepting that we'd grown apart meant that we could finally move forward with our lives instead of continuously looking into the past.
Release your friend from your expectations.
There was a part of me that believed I figured it out. I went to school, had a healthy relationship, and was building my savings. I thought I figured this life thing out, and I could help her do it, too.
I wanted to close the gap between us so bad. The only way to do it was for her to become more like me. (Because obviously, my approach was the right way.)
Go back to school, I insisted.
We can study together, I pulled.
What job did you always dream of having? I prodded.
I expected her to want my life. To desire what I had become. I expected her American Dream to look like mine.
We all deserve to be the person we want to become and define success as we see it and move at our own pace. I had to allow that same freedom to Sarah.
Yes, you've grown apart from your friend, that might mean the values, expectations, and social norms are now different. This could make your friend very uncomfortable.
Doesn't everyone deserve to feel great in their own skin? Release your friend to find their tribe.
Experiencing grief does not make the decision wrong.
When you let a friend go, it's kinda like ending a relationship with a love interest.
You might look at your phone and wish there was a missed call from them. You might wonder what they're up to periodically. You might hover over their name in your phone, barely resisting the urge to call.
Those feelings are normal. You've built habits over the years that involve these friendships, so it will take a while to develop new habits.
Trust that you have made the right decision.
If you've built a friendship over the years, you're allowed to miss them. You're allowed to smile when you think of the times you spent together. You're also allowed to let them go over time.
You can still love your friend and wish them well.
A few years ago, I saw Sarah at a family funeral. She was very close to my aunt, who has lost her life to various illnesses. We smiled across the room, hugged each other after the event, and walked our separate ways.
I got married and wanted to invite her, instead, I loved her enough not to disrupt whatever peace she's found.
You are not the same person that you were 10 years ago. Your ideas have changed, your needs and desires have changed, and you've changed your life to fit who you are today. Sometimes friends no longer fit into the next stage of your life. Let them go with love.
In the comments, let us know what's the most beautiful thing about a friend you've released.
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