How Women Were Taught To Do It All (and how to stop once and for all)
I’ve often wondered why women believe that we must be all things to all people.
I know that not all women feel this way (and I’m doing a lot of internal work to un-learn these values myself), but there was a time where I wanted to be all things to all the people I ever met.
I always wanted to be the teacher’s pet. I over-prepared for the class to make sure there was no question that would be asked that I didn’t know.
I said yes to every after school activity in hopes that the best colleges deem me worthy of the elites.
I would help out in the kitchen on Thanksgiving while the men sat down and watched the football game… because that’s what women did.
I did all of that pleasing because it was taught to me. It was expected of me. It was my identity.
I was a good girl.
This led to a dangerous experience with the men I dated.
I believed that my ability to be a nice girl would keep a man around. So when I was in the most emotionally abusive relationship of my life, I found myself wanting love and approval more than ever.
I would wake up at three in the morning, to clean our home and study before taking care of my daughter and his two sons and then going to work. I’d come home to be a caretaker once again, all before going to be at 9 PM with the children and waking up at 3AM to do it all over again.
No matter how hard I worked, he found ways to complain. He wondered why I was always wearing sweatpants and why I no longer put on makeup. When I spent hours folding clothes, he asked why there were clothes around the house and why didn’t I put them away.
Instead of walking away, I tried to do more. To be better. To be a “good girl.”
Where did those ideas come from?
From being taught to be a “good girl.”
And I’m willing to bet that you might have been taught some of these values, too.
What people-pleasing ideas were you taught as a child?
Be quiet and pleasing to others.
Have you ever been told to sit down and be quiet? I was. Meanwhile, when my boy cousins made noise and jumped in puddles the response was “boys will be boys.” Girls had to be clean all the time, cook, and hug the creepy uncles with a smile.
Be caregivers.
As the oldest of four, I always knew that my job was to lead the way. My entire life was an example for my little sisters. #NoPressure
When I got rejected from every medical school after college, I didn’t just think about my personal failure…
I thought about how my sisters will know they can be successful if they don’t see me as successful.
How will I pull my family from (what I perceived as) poverty if I’m not a doctor?
How will I care for my grandparents and parents in their old age if I’m not successful.
At no point did I wonder “how will I find what’s right for me?”
The burden of three generations was on my shoulders - every step of the way.
You must keep up your appearance.
I have memories of my mother asking me to clean up for cousins or other random visitors. “They’ll know that you’re dirty. They’ll know you don’t clean your room.”
Even today (as an adult), “you should do your hair and put on some makeup.”
We are taught to give our power to men.
How many freakin’ Disney shows did you have to watch where women are sitting around waiting for a kiss, or some dude to slay a dragon for us to be free?
Enough said.
I was never taught to be strong enough to save myself. (Luckily a lot of these messages are going away, but not fast enough if you ask me.)
Three Ways to Unlearn These Lessons
Write down the lessons you learned as a child that instilled these beliefs in you.
There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, the society that we live in has created a world where we are not accepted as full humans (yet).
We do have a responsibility to understand how we got here, what society has set up for us - and to continue pushing for more.
We are not victims unless we accept victimhood.
We can continue to work towards equity for ourselves in our personal lives and that is enough.
Forgive yourself for the times in the past where you willingly gave up your power.
I often think about that man… and how small he made me feel.
I think about all the ways I gave up my power and basically said “yes, please save me. I’ll be a good girl for you. I cannot do this on my own.”
I can’t take away the fact that it happened, but what I can do is create the life that I can be proud of. Where I do push back, stand my ground, and make my own freakin’ money. Where I don’t need to be saved and (in fact) I create the world where women have enough emotional resources to save each other.
Trust your inner voice and advocate for yourself in the future.
You always know what’s right for you and if there’s a tiny voice inside of you screaming, ready to be unleashed… just let it happen.
Let your voice be heard. Ignore the call to be a nice girl.
Instead, be the woman that you want to be in every moment.
Make yourself proud.
As women, we were raised to be the people-pleasers for our families, coworkers, significant others, and whatever communities we choose to be a part of. Forgive yourself for the “yes’s” that should’ve been “no’s” and take your energy back to create your joyous life. You will still be loved, appreciated, and cared for by others, but the bulk of the love you receive has to come from yourself.
In the comments, let us know one thing you’ll stop doing when you’re no longer people pleasing?
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About the author
Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!