How One Decision Can Get You the Life You Want

My goal was to go to Med School, become ‘Doctor Martin’. 

Oh, I dreamed BIG, picturing how proud my family would be when I achieved what was expected.

I made checklists and followed them to the letter. Because that’s what you do, right? 

Yet something didn’t fit. Part of me knew I wasn't moving towards my values and desires. But I ignored that inner voice that insisted: 

“Chantl, you’re going the wrong way!” 

I was my family’s ‘future doctor’. My mindset kicked into action. “I can’t quit, I’m not a quitter!”

THIS mindset is what’s stopping us from achieving our true purpose.
Quitting can be the best decision you ever make. 

Because it’s a CHOICE to stop doing something you don’t love, you’re not good at, and doesn’t make you happy.  You can choose to put yourself first and make space for things that light you up and make your soul sing with joy!

If you find yourself setting goals and still not being satisfied with the outcome. Not getting anywhere, making checklists, but not ticking any ‘dream’ boxes...

… then I want to let you in on a little secret. 

It’s not about the goals game, it’s about the ‘decision-making’ pre-game! 

You can set and hit ALL the goals, but it’s all for nothing unless goals come from conscious decisions aligning strengths, values, and life desires.

I've worked towards goals that didn’t align with my purpose. Climbed a ladder in a direction I felt I ‘should’ go, following well-meaning mentors, teachers, and family. And ended up somewhere I had no business being! 

The biggest problem that comes up in conversation? The struggle to make the smart and sometimes tough decisions to get that dream life.

So, 2022, I’m officially canceling goal setting!

Instead, I’m going to teach you why decisions are so much better than goals and how to make the decisions to get on the right path to that dream life.

Not the life your parents want for you.

Not the path society tells you to take or those around you are on.

The path YOU want. Let that tiny inner voice scream it out loud!

THIS GOAL-SETTING GURU IS CANCELING GOAL SETTING

Goal setting has been the foundation of everything I teach. I’ve helped countless people create vision boards to get the life they want, and through uncertainty achieving more than they thought possible.

But this life-changing work has made me realize something I’ve always known but is now impossible to ignore. 

People don’t need help with goals! You know how to set them, write to-do lists, break things down into small steps, set a timeline, and so on. 

The problem I get the most emails about, the BIG thing people struggle with, and what stops most achieving women from moving forward toward their dream is ‘deciding’. 

WHAT THE ACHIEVING WOMAN NEEDS HELP WITH

So many women come to me saying:

“Listen Chantl. I’m a Mom, a homeowner, a wife. Trying to go back to school, get that promotion, do all the things.

I’m overwhelmed, drained, and don’t know what to do!”

If this is you, all the goal-setting in the world won’t help. It won’t balance all the things you’ve got going on, and won’t help in figuring out the way forward.

Instead, it’s time to make some hard choices and decide what you really want to do–and let go of the rest.

WHY DECISION-MAKING IS SO DARN HARD

Let’s be honest, the achieving woman wants to do a bit of everything.

Do our jobs, take care of homes, aging parents, and children. Help glow up the next generation to do better, be wiser. Help family, friends, even strangers!

We give to everybody else and there’s nothing left for ourselves. Then we try to do 10 different things at once and end up achieving nothing.

This is the blueprint of how NOT to get what you want out of life.

WHY MAKING DECISIONS WILL GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT

Without decisions, you can end up on the wrong path. Arrive at success, turn around and think: “Wait, what in the world happened, I don’t want to be here!”

Or create something that doesn’t fulfill you and end up with yet another thing that drains.

Or give time and energy to a space you don’t love.

I don’t want this for you. I want to help you decide what you want to achieve and what’s best for you. To make that choice with confidence because it aligns with your values and what you want out of life. 

YOU drive your desires. Not family expectations, influencers, or what some guru on the internet says. And definitely not because you’re told it’s the right time.

You know what I mean...

25? It’s time to get your life together!

30? It’s time to buy a house, get married, have kids!

Who said it’s time? It’s not time until YOU say it’s time! (Can I get an AMEN!)

Imagine how much you could achieve by trusting your gut, inner voice, and timing, and choosing what's right for you?

That’s why decision making is so much better than goal setting. It’s time to make a choice, my friend, a move forward with confidence.

Drop a comment below: What decisions have you been putting off?

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

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About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!

How to Stop Working Towards Someone Else's Dream

There was a time that I believed a man would save me from being poor. 

Sounds odd to say out loud, right? 

In my culture, it’s common to work hard, be smart… but also not-so-secretly be on the lookout for the prince charming who’s also a gym-obsessed doctor. 

He would have both a strong jawline and the means for you to shop nonstop, drive around in a range rover, and (of course) live in a giant house with 4 bedrooms even though your family would consist of you and your husband and maybe two kids. 

A husband-funded grandiose lifestyle was the dream... 

… and at no point in my life did I ever question it. 

As I got older and became a fan of pop/rap music, I would hear narratives of women having these coke-bottle body shapes and long hair…

… and as a result, these women should expect fancy bags and shoes from other money-making men rappers, basketball players.

The music today still reflects this by the way. 

So after college, I met a high-income earner who fit all my criteria - we began dating and moved in together. 

When it didn’t work out, I came to a realization the man-is-the-plan roadmap didn’t include: 

I had nothing to my name. 

I didn’t really have a job other than being pretty. I hadn’t gained many skills other than maybe learning how to cook and clean a home full of children. 

For years, I resented my family and my culture for embedding this idea that a man would save me. That I just had to be smart and beautiful and that was it. 

Why didn’t they teach me to be stronger? 

Why didn’t they teach me to be more independent? 

Why was a rich man ever the expectation for me - why was this “the dream”?

At that moment, I realized how risky (and disempowering) that dream was. 

If I spent all my time looking good to secure a husband that would take care of me forever, how would I ever build my own wealth? How would I ever find the joy of mastering a skill? How would I ever build my own power? How would I teach my daughter to own her own power? 

Well, I wouldn’t. 

And all of those things are important to me.

Those dreams (building my own wealth, finding something I could be uniquely good at, being powerful in my own right) were valuable to me.

A rich man, a giant house, and the ability to shop all the time for more grandiose items that I truly didn’t’ need was never my goal. 

It was a dream that made its way into my mind through social and cultural inputs, inception-style.

I wanted those things as a result of my surroundings, not my values. 

I didn’t have words to describe this phenomenon until a few weeks ago, but I learned from LaTondra Murry that it’s called a curated want.

What is a curated want? 

A curated want is a desire placed into your mind that is not your chosen path to pursue, but it’s a goal that society places upon you. This could look like: 

• You’re 18 and society tells you it’s time to go to college.

• You come from an immigrant family and your parents tell you that you have to choose either doctor, lawyer, or engineer. 

• You’re 25 and your family starts to wonder why you’re not married yet. 

• You’re 30 and it’s the right age to buy a home. 

• You’re married and your family is wondering when the baby is coming. 

These, my friend, are curated wants. They’re the things that we believe we want because someone else has decided that we should want this at this time in our lives. 

How do I know my dreams and goals are not my own? 

There is a tiny voice inside of you that knows the truth. This tiny voice nudges you to follow your creative impulses. This voice will tell you when something doesn’t feel right. 

Often, we learn to ignore this voice to move towards a future that someone else has already laid out. 

An example of this from my own life is where I spent several years studying to become a doctor just because I’m good at math though in my heart I’ve always known I want to be a singer. When I’m on a stage, my soul lights on fire and there’s nothing in this world like it. 

But I feared that “only a small percentage of people make it in that industry” and ignored my inner voice. 

You know when your path was not chosen by you. Admitting you haven’t been working towards your dream is the difficult part.

How To Follow Your Own Goals and Dreams 

Write Down Your Values

When you know what your values are you can begin filtering out goals that are not yours. Before you say yes to any goal, you can ask whether the goal is in line with your values.

Tune out the noise while goal setting.

Take a day away from social media and outside opinions when goal setting. No matter if you set goals yearly, quarterly, or monthly, you should take the time to take a step back from your devices to hear your inner voice and give yourself undistracted intention.

Imagine yourself accomplishing your goals. 

One way to know if the goal you’re currently pursuing is your own is to take a look at where that end goal will get you. Close your eyes and imagine yourself reaching the end of that goal. Where are you and are you happy with those outcomes? 

Sometimes you don’t even have to imagine it, there might be a good representation that you can look at as an example. If you’re working for a promotion in a large organization this could be easy because you can simply take a look at people at the level that you’re working towards. Do you like their lives? 

Maximize your time in communities that have the same values as you.

When I realized I value minimalism, I started to spend time with other minimalists. Because we all had the same values we could connect on issues of not bringing a ton of useless items into our lives and spending time with people we love - not working more to have more things. 

Spending time in communities with the same values will allow you to have people that “get it” around you. Your quirks will be understood and accepted in those communities and you may learn more ways to go deeper into your interests.

It’s quite common to take on the wants and desires of the community around you. Take a break to ask yourself whether your goals are your own and give yourself permission to course-correct when you need to.

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

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About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!

Choosing Yourself in a Smartphone Society

In the past few years, I’ve learned a thing or two about asserting myself and asking for what I want. I believe this ability to ask has led to faster promotions, a husband who does more than his share of the housework, and a daughter who knows that mommy deserves some “off-duty” time. 

Boundaries are something I’ve become good at. 

However, in one specific area of my life, I realized I wasn’t setting boundaries the right way. In fact, I’d built up an addiction that made it difficult to set boundaries. This particular area is also widely accepted in society as a perfectly reasonable addiction to have. 

We joke about our addiction but don’t do anything about it. 

What is this socially acceptable addiction? Cell phone screen time. 

Earlier this year, I tracked my screen time use and I learned that over the course of just 4 months, I spent 7 full 24-hour days on my phone. 

Can you believe that? 

Multiplied over the course of a year, I would’ve spent 21 full days of my year on my phone. 

That’s time that I could’ve spent reading, writing, enjoying family time or taking myself out on a walk. 

But instead, that time was wasted (likely in endless scrolling) on my phone.

If given the choice, I would put that time into places that I enjoy, placed that I love. 

So, I decided to make that choice and switch from a smartphone to an old school flip phone. 

The hardest part about switching to a flip phone was that I had to switch my cell phone plan. I went to my service provider and simply asked to downgrade to a non-smartphone and they didn’t even offer one. 

So I had to go to Walmart (who was sold out of the phone on three different occasions). 

I could’ve said at any point, this isn’t worth it…

… but I knew that if I kept my smartphone I would continue to lose my precious time, my ability to be present in the moment, my ability to choose what I need in each moment. 

That was more than worth it. 

So I ordered the phone online and arranged for in-store pick-up. 

What I’ve gained

Time

I am now three days into my intentional cell phone journey and if I were just calculating my screen time alone, I have gained back 4.5 hours on average so far. 

The ability to think clearly

Without a window into what everyone else is doing, how other people are improving their lives, and other people’s opinions, I’m better able to hear myself. 

I have more clarity into my wants and needs already. 

Confidence

Every action that you take in support of your needs gives you more confidence that you can do it again. I feel freer and I’ve built even more trust in myself now that I’ve listened to myself and took action on that need.

The community, culture and society all have an impact in the way we live our lives. We, however, have to choose whether we’re happy with our lives. Is there something you’d like to remove from your life if you were to ignore all the social norms and expectations?  If so, know that you have the power to change anything you want.

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!

How To Stop Being Everything To Every One

One of the scariest days in my life was when I told my mother that I’d no longer be pursuing medical school. 

I was filled with guilt. 

I thought of how hard she worked as a single mom of four girls to raise us. How as the eldest child I was supposed to be set the example for my younger sisters. How I (at some point) was supposed to be the success that pulled my family up from lower-middle-class standards. 

I was ashamed that I couldn’t become the person that she groomed me to be. 

But there was a pain inside of me, a knowing that there was something different out there for me. 

I could not be her doctor. 

I needed to find something for me. 

So, with tears streaming down my face, I called her to let her know that I would not become a doctor. 

I imagined all of her responses about how I was a failure and I would need to suck it up and try again. 

… and then she said “Ok, sweetie. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” 

That’s it. The call was over. 

And I was left with one question “if it was that simple, why did I tie my entire life to this dream that was not mine?”

Because I wanted to please her and my family. I wanted to be the gold standard for what a daughter should be. 

… and I wanted to do that for every area of my life. 

I wanted to be everything to everyone - all the time. 

Why Do Women Become Everything to Everyone

Because it’s freakin’ rewarding.

In school, when you work hard, you get the gold stars, when you follow every direction you’re told and check all the boxes, you get the A+’s. Those A+’s show that you’re better than everyone else. 

When you get home (at least in an African household), when you’re studying or cleaning the house, you’re a good child. You don’t get yelled at (which is the best you can hope for in an African home). 

In the afterschool activities, you get selected for all the best spots when you are the absolute best. When you’re the best singer, you get the solo. When you’re the best runway walk, you get selected to model in the fashion show. When you have the most dramatic stage presence, you get selected for the poetry showcase. 

… and who doesn’t want opportunities? 

So the obvious next thought is… I must always be the best. 

Let’s look at the other side of that, what happens when you’re not the best. 

Instead of being told, let’s focus on your strength areas, you’re scolded for not being better. 

Instead of teachers meeting you where you are, you get a C in the class and told to work harder. 

My daughter believed for nearly a year that she was “bad at science” because she failed her 5th-grade science class. When I spoke to the teacher, I learned my daughter failed because she doesn’t raise her hand to participate. She understood the information just fine.

You fail in this society when you don’t do what people ask you to do.

What does it mean to be everything to everyone

Sometimes we’ve spent so much time in our lives being everything to everyone that we don’t even know what it looks like. So I want to describe an example of this here. 

Imagine this: 

You wake up in the morning and before you can take care of yourself, you have several activities to take care of everyone else in your household. While your husband rests, you have to make sure the homework is in the bookbags, the lunch ready to go, the teeth have been brushed. 

You finally get ready for work and in the office, you take on the projects no one else wants. You’re to go-to person for the most random questions. You overprepare for everything because you never ewant to be caught off guard. You say yes to everything that’s asked of you because you don’t want to let anyone down. 

You return home and you’re responsible for making dinner every night. YOu clean the kitchen. You prepare kids for bed. 

At the end of the night, you have nothing left to give yourself. 

How to know if you’re tired of being everything to everyone

Maybe that previous story didn’t really resonate with you, so here are a few questions you can ask to find out if you’re exhausted with being everything to everyone. 

You whisper under your breath about how tired you are.

You say yes to tasks that are asked of you when you’re exhausted. You break commitments to yourself to rest your body to make space for other people’s needs. Then, you complain to yourself that you’re exhausted. 

You wonder when you’ll have time for you.

You somehow have the time to support every group and every family member but you’ve let your own goals roll over from year to year. You’re waiting for life to slow down some so you have enough time to pursue your goals.

You’re the go-to person for your family, friends, and social circles. 

You are the person people call when they’re stuck on the road. You’re the person they call when they need money. You’re the person they call when someone needs to plan the family picnic. No matter what circle you’re apart of, somehow you end up being the person everyone asks for help. 

How To Stop Being Everything To Everyone

Find a way to participate that fits your time and availability. 

When you’re asked to do something that you don’t have the time for, ask if there’s a way that you can do this differently. 

Maybe you’re asked to come to dinner on Saturday, but you wanted to rest on that day. Ask if you can meet on another day that best fits your schedule. 

Maybe you’re asked to help raise money for the school programs and you don’t have the bandwidth to help out this year. Instead of saying yes and burning yourself out - ask if there’s a less time-intensive role you can play. Maybe this year, you just donate and don’t help at all. 

Start saying no.

Insert dramatic music here.

One of the best ways to quit being everything to everyone is by simply saying no. 

There are different variations of this: 

I’m not available on that day. 

I won’t be able to make it this time around. 

No, thanks. 

Saying no is hard at first because we like to believe that if we say no, we’re letting the person down. 

Here’s the reality: 

If you say no, they will find someone else to help or they’ll figure it out on their own. You are not needed in every situation.

Be honest about what you’d rather be doing with your time.

Here’s the reality: when you start saying no to others or participating in activities based on your desire, time, and ability, you create more time for yourself. 

You’re not really saying no to them..

… you’re saying yes to yourself. 

You create the time to work towards your big dreams. You create the time to rest your body so you have more energy. You create more time for the things you enjoy. 

To be honest, taking your time back from the people you love and requiring a new level of self-care and self-preservation isn’t easy. Asking for your time to be spent on yourself can be uncomfortable - especially in the beginning. However, if you begin taking these simple steps, you will notice that you begin saying no to the things you don’t love, ultimately creating the time for your big dreams. 

In the comments, tell us what would you do if you had more time for your big dreams?

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

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About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!