How Women Were Taught To Do It All (and how to stop once and for all)

I’ve often wondered why women believe that we must be all things to all people. 

I know that not all women feel this way (and I’m doing a lot of internal work to un-learn these values myself), but there was a time where I wanted to be all things to all the people I ever met. 

I always wanted to be the teacher’s pet. I over-prepared for the class to make sure there was no question that would be asked that I didn’t know. 

I said yes to every after school activity in hopes that the best colleges deem me worthy of the elites.

I would help out in the kitchen on Thanksgiving while the men sat down and watched the football game… because that’s what women did. 

I did all of that pleasing because it was taught to me. It was expected of me. It was my identity. 

I was a good girl.

This led to a dangerous experience with the men I dated. 

I believed that my ability to be a nice girl would keep a man around. So when I was in the most emotionally abusive relationship of my life, I found myself wanting love and approval more than ever. 

I would wake up at three in the morning, to clean our home and study before taking care of my daughter and his two sons and then going to work. I’d come home to be a caretaker once again, all before going to be at 9 PM with the children and waking up at 3AM to do it all over again.

No matter how hard I worked, he found ways to complain. He wondered why I was always wearing sweatpants and why I no longer put on makeup. When I spent hours folding clothes, he asked why there were clothes around the house and why didn’t I put them away. 

Instead of walking away, I tried to do more. To be better. To be a “good girl.”

Where did those ideas come from? 

From being taught to be a “good girl.” 

And I’m willing to bet that you might have been taught some of these values, too. 

What people-pleasing ideas were you taught as a child?

Be quiet and pleasing to others. 

Have you ever been told to sit down and be quiet? I was. Meanwhile, when my boy cousins made noise and jumped in puddles the response was “boys will be boys.” Girls had to be clean all the time, cook, and hug the creepy uncles with a smile.

Be caregivers. 

As the oldest of four, I always knew that my job was to lead the way. My entire life was an example for my little sisters. #NoPressure

When I got rejected from every medical school after college, I didn’t just think about my personal failure…

I thought about how my sisters will know they can be successful if they don’t see me as successful. 

How will I pull my family from (what I perceived as) poverty if I’m not a doctor? 

How will I care for my grandparents and parents in their old age if I’m not successful.

At no point did I wonder “how will I find what’s right for me?”

The burden of three generations was on my shoulders - every step of the way. 

You must keep up your appearance.

I have memories of my mother asking me to clean up for cousins or other random visitors. “They’ll know that you’re dirty. They’ll know you don’t clean your room.”

Even today (as an adult), “you should do your hair and put on some makeup.” 

We are taught to give our power to men. 

How many freakin’ Disney shows did you have to watch where women are sitting around waiting for a kiss, or some dude to slay a dragon for us to be free? 

Enough said.

I was never taught to be strong enough to save myself. (Luckily a lot of these messages are going away, but not fast enough if you ask me.)

Three Ways to Unlearn These Lessons

Write down the lessons you learned as a child that instilled these beliefs in you.

There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, the society that we live in has created a world where we are not accepted as full humans (yet). 

We do have a responsibility to understand how we got here, what society has set up for us - and to continue pushing for more. 

We are not victims unless we accept victimhood. 

We can continue to work towards equity for ourselves in our personal lives and that is enough. 

Forgive yourself for the times in the past where you willingly gave up your power.

I often think about that man… and how small he made me feel. 

I think about all the ways I gave up my power and basically said “yes, please save me. I’ll be a good girl for you. I cannot do this on my own.”

I can’t take away the fact that it happened, but what I can do is create the life that I can be proud of. Where I do push back, stand my ground, and make my own freakin’ money. Where I don’t need to be saved and (in fact) I create the world where women have enough emotional resources to save each other. 

Trust your inner voice and advocate for yourself in the future.

You always know what’s right for you and if there’s a tiny voice inside of you screaming, ready to be unleashed… just let it happen. 

Let your voice be heard. Ignore the call to be a nice girl. 

Instead, be the woman that you want to be in every moment. 

Make yourself proud. 

As women, we were raised to be the people-pleasers for our families, coworkers, significant others, and whatever communities we choose to be a part of. Forgive yourself for the “yes’s” that should’ve been “no’s” and take your energy back to create your joyous life. You will still be loved, appreciated, and cared for by others, but the bulk of the love you receive has to come from yourself. 

In the comments, let us know one thing you’ll stop doing when you’re no longer people pleasing?

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

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About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!

How to Accept That You’ve Grown Apart From Old Friends

Have you ever lost a friend because you grew apart? I have. (And if I’m being 100% honest, it hurts like hell.)

Today, I want to share the lessons I’ve learned about losing friends and why ending a friendship can be a good thing.

I had a childhood friend, let's call her Sarah. 

Sarah came to my house every weekend, we'd listen to Destiny's Child CDs and choreograph dances to all the songs. It was my favorite pass time. I have no idea if she loved it as much as I did, but she played along anyway. 

Sarah's family always opened their door to me; our parents became friends. We were like sisters. 

At 13, Sarah ran away from home began writing me letters documenting her travels. She detailed trips to different states, rendezvous with sketchy characters, and a world of money and drugs that sounded like something from the movie Hustle & Flow. 

While I lived a (mostly) average teenage life. 

One winter, I could not afford a winter coat, and I didn't want to ask my mother for it because she was a single mom, raising four kids on her own. 

I shivered every morning to and from school… until Sarah sent me a black Baby Phat jacket with Kimora Lee Simmons' signature cat logo on the back in all it's gold glory. 

I cherished the jacket… and our friendship more than anything. I didn't care who Sarah had become, she was my sister. 

She came home sometime during my college years. 

She had two children whose fathers were both in jail. When I visited, she's smoke on the balcony of her one-bedroom apartment while I sat on the other side of the sliding glass door avoiding second-hand smoke. We left a small crack in the door, so we could talk about old times, dance routines, and our aging parents. 

She could be herself - and I could be myself. We knew there was a vast difference in our worlds now, but the laughter and love still roared through the glass. 

Until one day, Sarah came to my daughter's birthday party, where she met my friends from college. She stormed out, yelling that she would never fit in with my perfect life, perfect friends who spoke perfect English. 

That was the beginning of the end of our friendship. 

In this post, I want to share with you a few truths I've learned about losing friends. In society, we associate loss as a bad thing. I would love to help you consider a different way of thinking about losing a cherished friendship.

How to Appreciate Lost Friendships and Move On

Everyone should be allowed to be themselves.

Imagine you feel your best, most beautiful, wearing bold, red lipstick. Now imagine that your loved ones look at you with disgust and make you feel like an outcast for being the version of yourself that feels good. They hand you nude shades and chapstick. They tell you to "tone it down" as if their love is contingent upon shades of nude lips.

Sounds crazy, right? But, we do this all the time with loved ones. 

We'll allow them to become whoever they want to be… as long as its in line with our expectations. Whether your friend becomes a doctor or a drug dealer is up to them. Their choices are based on their experiences, their life, their desires. 

It's not your job to tell your friends who they should be or why. Let them wear red lipstick and dance in the rain. 

The beauty of this world is that we have the freedom to become anyone we want. Accept that your friend wants something different, and they should have a right to choose every step of their journey, the same way you do.

Growing apart is a good thing.

There was no denying it - I'd grown far apart from the person my friend had become, but I didn't want to admit it. 

I continued coming to her house and checking in on her. I called weekly, even though she's inevitably yell at me by the end of the call for being "privalaged" and hang up. 

I kept trying over and over again because I still loved her, even though I knew our distance hurt to talk about.

When I stopped calling her, she could once again feel comfortable as herself. She could talk on the phone with people she wanted to talk to, instead of holding on to childhood memories that only hurt in the present.

I could also spend my time exploring who I'd become. I could learn the places and people I wanted to surround myself with. I could feel comfortable being myself around people who understood me. 

Accepting that we'd grown apart meant that we could finally move forward with our lives instead of continuously looking into the past. 

Release your friend from your expectations.

There was a part of me that believed I figured it out. I went to school, had a healthy relationship, and was building my savings. I thought I figured this life thing out, and I could help her do it, too. 

I wanted to close the gap between us so bad. The only way to do it was for her to become more like me. (Because obviously, my approach was the right way.)

Go back to school, I insisted.

We can study together, I pulled.

What job did you always dream of having? I prodded. 

I expected her to want my life. To desire what I had become. I expected her American Dream to look like mine. 

We all deserve to be the person we want to become and define success as we see it and move at our own pace. I had to allow that same freedom to Sarah.

Yes, you've grown apart from your friend, that might mean the values, expectations, and social norms are now different. This could make your friend very uncomfortable. 

Doesn't everyone deserve to feel great in their own skin? Release your friend to find their tribe.

Experiencing grief does not make the decision wrong.

When you let a friend go, it's kinda like ending a relationship with a love interest.

You might look at your phone and wish there was a missed call from them. You might wonder what they're up to periodically. You might hover over their name in your phone, barely resisting the urge to call. 

Those feelings are normal. You've built habits over the years that involve these friendships, so it will take a while to develop new habits. 

Trust that you have made the right decision. 

If you've built a friendship over the years, you're allowed to miss them. You're allowed to smile when you think of the times you spent together. You're also allowed to let them go over time.

You can still love your friend and wish them well.

A few years ago, I saw Sarah at a family funeral. She was very close to my aunt, who has lost her life to various illnesses. We smiled across the room, hugged each other after the event, and walked our separate ways. 

I got married and wanted to invite her, instead, I loved her enough not to disrupt whatever peace she's found.  

You are not the same person that you were 10 years ago. Your ideas have changed, your needs and desires have changed, and you've changed your life to fit who you are today. Sometimes friends no longer fit into the next stage of your life. Let them go with love. 

In the comments, let us know what's the most beautiful thing about a friend you've released.

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

---

About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!

Everything you need to know about improving your life right now

I didn’t recognize the person starring back at me. 

She’d failed in every way the childhood version of myself envisioned success. 

I drove a beat-up old car with a broken trunk that wobbled up and down as I drove to my receptionist job. 

I made $15 an hour at that job, not enough to cover my rent and credit card bills so I had to work as a waitress on the weekends and as a freelancer at night. 

Sleep felt unproductive with my level of debt and depression crept in no matter where I was or who I was with. 

My life had hit rock bottom and I didn’t know what to do about it. 

At first… 

Only a few years later, I make nearly six-figures with my full-time job where I work from home and have unlimited vacation. 

This blog helps over 150K women each year find clarity in their purpose and spreads a positive mindset message.

In this article, I’m going to walk you through the five stages of growth - and the five simple steps to shift your self from one stage to the next. So if you’re anything like I started out (sitting in rock bottom barely getting by), then by the end of this you’ll have all the strategies you need to start improving your life right now.

The Five Stages of Lifestyle Growth

Before we dive into creating abundance in your life, we must discuss all the stages of lifestyle growth. Many people believe that you can catapult yourself into abundance by one act of luck or some big break. 

You get the winning lottery ticket. 

You land a rich husband. (In our minds we know a man is not a plan, but that doesn’t stop up from hoping for prince charming.)

You buy every course, tool, and attend every conference that you believe will help you build a million-dollar business. 

Here’s the deal: While it’s not impossible for any of these outcomes, very few people experience a quick catapult from rock bottom to abundance. And when they do, it sometimes takes years of rejection, poverty, and hard freakin’ work to find success. 

Others will put in the same work, get the same rejects, and still not find the success. 

Put simply, for every J.K. Rowling there are millions of aspiring authors that have not achieved Harry Potter level success.

Much simpler (and with a higher chance of success) is the five-step strategy I will layout for your today. With only five steps you will work through each level until you reach abundance. 

So let’s dive into the 5 Stages of lifestyle growth. 

Stage 1: Rock Bottom

This is a low point in your life. At this stage, you are underpaid for your level of education. You don’t make enough money to comfortably handle all of your expenses without using credit. 

You feel like you’re on a hamster wheel. You’re working all the time, just to pay bills. You’d like to spend more time with your family or explore hobbies, but you feel trapped. 

Maybe you feel depressed because you never imagined your life would be like this. You expected to be farther along by now. You’re unhappy with the way your life looks today and know for sure that it’s time for a change.

Stage 2: Stability

You’ve done some work on yourself and you’re comfortable with your life right now. You have enough to pay bills, keep food on the table (the food you want to eat) and you can go out sometimes with friends and family without worrying about your next bill. 

Compared to rock bottom, you can breathe a bit easier now. You can carve out time for yourself. You feel good about where your life is. 

Now that you’ve seen some success, you know that more is possible for you. You’ve built up some momentum. You’re ready to move faster towards success. 

Stage 3: Acceleration

In this stage, you’ve put your head down and began working a little bit harder towards your goals. Maybe you want to get a promotion at work, save more money or pay off a big debt. Maybe you want to do something for yourself like buy your first home or do a big renovation on your home. 

Stage 4: Thriving

By now you’ve solidified your ability to reach any goal you set. You’ve achieved the promotions you desired and created the lifestyle you want. 

Seriously, at this point, you can’t believe you get to live this life! Here is where things start to slow down a bit. Because you are thriving, you may no longer see places in your life where you can optimize or improve.

Stage 5: Abundance

In abundance, you have complete control over your money, time, and location. You are no longer chained to a job or lifestyle simply because that’s what’s expected of you. 

It’s not easy to reach abundance because many people make life choices that do not align with their definition of abundance. So while they may thrive, they’re never able to experience abundance because they’ve aligned their lifestyle with someone else’s definition of success. 

How To Improve Your Life 

Would you believe me if I told you that you would use the exact same tools to elevate from rock bottom as you would to reach abundance? 

Well, it’s true. 

No matter what stage you’re at today, you can use these five steps to progress to the next life stage. 

The benefit of choosing to move from one stage to the next using these steps is that these steps were created to ensure that you never work hard to climb a ladder that does not lead to your definition of success. 

Step #1: Assess where you are.

Take a good look at your life right now and make two lists: 

1. What do you love about your life? 

2. What would you like to remove from your life?

Understanding what you want to remove from your life helps you narrow your focus on the changes you need to make. 

Step #2: Determine where you have the most pain.

Now that you have a list of things you’d like to remove, let’s narrow down even further to one thing by answering the following question: 

What can you fix first that would change everything?

Many people make the mistake of trying to fix several problems at once. This leads to overwhelm and splitting your time in so many different directions that nothing gets done. Choose one thing to fix in your life and move on. 

Step 3: Decide on how you want to fix that specific problem.

Once you’ve selected the problem to fix, choose to fix that problem in a way that aligns with your strengths. 

Doing this will make sure that you have a simpler time in solving your problems because you will solve them in a way that’s already familiar to you. 

Step #4: Visualize what your life will look like when you have completely fixed that problem.

When you’re working on a goal that takes a long time, you likely will run into challenges that cause you to veer off course. In these times you will need a clear vision for why you’re doing this. 

Create a visualization of your “why” before you even get started will give you a future to look towards are get excited about. 

Step 5: START… and follow through. 

The final step is always to actually do the work that it takes to reach your goal. Many people fall short right here. They do not stick to the goals they set. 

If you want to reach your goals, then you must start working towards them and follow through on your goals. 

Why This Works

Here’s the truth: 

You cannot use the same type of thinking to get your first job as you do to get a leadership position. 

You cannot use the same type of thinking to write your first book as you do to promote and sell your first book. 

You cannot use the same type of thinking to love yourself as you do to love others. 

As you progress through each of life’s stages, you’ll have to take a step back and understand the landscape of this new journey. Once you understand where you are, you can decide on the best way to reach the next stage of your life. 

This is how you guarantee that you find happiness and fulfillment in your life. You consistently re-evaluate your current life stage and choose the next one before pursuing it. 

If nothing else, you get to decide how to improve your life (or whether you’ll work to improve your life at all). Those choices are within your control. We become stagnant, complacent, unclear on our next steps when we give up our right to choose. If you continue re-evaluating, choosing with purpose, and taking action with clarity at every stage of your life, abundance will be yours. 

What life stage are you most excited about and what’s one action you can take right now to get there?

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

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About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!

The Only Four Steps You Need Start Something New

I hate the cold with a passion. 

I hate shivering in the short walk from my doorstep to my car. I hate wearing 15 layers of clothes just to make sure my bones don’t freeze. I hate how the tip of my nose feels like a full-blown ice cube when cold air hits me in the face. 

But I love walks. 

And even in the wintertime on the coldest days, I throw on a heavy coat, earmuffs, hat, doubled-socks, and snowboots, to enjoy a brisk walk. 

I know how freakin’ cold it is out there. 

So why do I do it? 

I know how good my body feels after a long walk. I know how peaceful my mind feels after enjoying nature. I know how more productive I am when I give myself the mental space to daydream outside.

So, even though I’m a little terrified of leaving my perfectly heated home to subject myself to the cold, that feeling of fear only lasts for a short while.

The second I step on the outside of the door, I’m already outside. My body has already felt the cold. And the only thing left for me to do is keep going. 

That is the key to doing anything. 

Making a commitment to start, even if we’re afraid of what’s to come on the other side of our journey. 

One google search on “how to start” and you’ll see that people have searched everything under the sun from “how to start a blog” to “how to start a hard conversation” 

In my opinion, starting (anything) comes down to three things: 

1. Preparing.

2. Taking that first step.

3. Continuing until you reach the finish line.

I know what you’re thinking… 

You can’t be serious?! That’s it? 

Yes, that’s it. 

Similar to taking that first step outside on a brisk morning, your goals are unknown (and a little freakin’ scary if you’re really honest).

But once you’ve taken even one step outside of your normal routine, you’re already building your learnings, your momentum, your ability to challenge yourself. 

Why is starting Something new difficult? 

It isn’t easy to start new things all willy-nilly. Yes, we have ideas, but pursuing those ideas means that you must agree to a few things: 

You will likely be mediocre at first. 

It’s expected that you will not be perfect the first time you try something. Take a look at any famous YouTuber’s first video posted and their latest video and just take note of the difference. 

It takes time to hone your craft, to learn the best tools to use, to find your tone, style, and approach, and to find your niche. 

You will encounter many challenges that you’ll have to figure out. 

There will undoubtedly be new ideas, tools, strategies, or techniques that you’ll have to learn on your way to accomplishing your new goal. 

Some new things will be easy. Others will make you want to throw your computer at a wall. You will have to figure out both.

You’ll leave behind the comfort of what you already know. 

Imagine you’ve decided to build a new website. That means you must take time away from something that you’re doing today to pursue that new goal. 

What will you take that time from? Will it be Netflix? A different hobby you’re currently pursuing? Family time? 

No matter what you choose you will be trading the familiar for the unknown. That will add an unknown level of discomfort to your life.

Why must you start new things anyway? 

I’ll be honest, this doesn’t sound very exciting. So why do we go out of our way to discomfort ourselves? 

Most of the time, it’s a tiny voice inside of you that nags at you to do something differently. You have a feeling that you want your life to look different tomorrow than it does today. 

You have a desire to create something new because a part of you believes it will change your life in some way. Maybe you’ll add more joy to your life. Maybe you’ll create more community. Maybe you don’t love your life as it exists today and you want to create a life you love. 

And you don’t want to wake up a decade from now wondering… “what if?”

Growth, evolving your life over time to suit your needs, requires that you do new things. 

How To Start Something New

Prepare your mindset

Before you dive into the “doing” of new things, you must mentally accept your fate. 

Accept that you are diving into new territory where you will not have all the answers, you will not always feel confident in your abilities, you will have to make mistakes (many of them) and you will likely be mediocre at first.

However… 

You are ready for the challenge. You will figure out every single roadblock that arises. You are capable of doing hard things. 

Create a list of action items

There are a few steps you know you’ll need to take to reach your goals. Make a list of those broad steps. This will give you a roadmap or general direction so you don’t veer too far off track. 

However, do not spend too much time researching each step or figuring out all the tools you’ll need down the line. Too much research can slow you down and in some cases, it can keep you from starting altogether. 

Take the first step

No matter what you’d like to do in life, you must take steps toward accomplishing it if you want to reach the finish line. 

Instead of mulling over what tools you’ll use at step 10, begin step 1 without worrying about what’s next.

This is how you build enough momentum to overcome obstacles that will come down the line. 

Find a mentor/community or course

There is one way to shorten your learning curve and to increase your level of commitment to the journey: finding a mentor, community, or course that will guide and support you through this journey. 

If you simply start on your own, then you have to find the roadblocks, you have to research each tool or tactic, you have to do it all. 

When you have a mentor, course, or community to go to, you’ll have some (or most) of the gaps covered so you can make faster progress without having to learn from many of the mistakes that others suffer from.

Steps you can take today: 

1. Understand that you will not know every step until you’ve done every step.

2. Find the information you need to make the first step with caution.

3. Take the first steps and learn from them.

Often, we have a desire to take calculated steps to have confidence in the things that we do. Confidence, however, comes from experience. Doing something new requires we dive into uncharted territory. Whether it’s creating your first book, live show, online community, course, or singing on stage for the first time… it’s likely you won’t have confidence in yourself the first time around…

… but you can always build it. :)

If you have a desire on your heart it’s your duty to simply start. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll learn from them and you’ll grow. 

What’s a project you want to start this year? 

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts. 

3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.

---

About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!