5 Things To Do Instead of Self-Harm
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Rise From Rock Bottom: a series of posts about staring failure in the face…and how to overcome adversity.
These are the thoughts that would enter my friend’s head.
“There was a bridge.”
She would pass it every day after leaving her luxury apartment, in her high end car. It overlooked the highway and busy cars filled the streets at all hours of the night.
And every day she would think to herself... "I wish I could just jump off."
Life had become something that only looked beautiful on the outside. She continued the charade with her delightful smile and playful demeanor. (Nope, nah, no way... Couldn't let anyone know how she was really feeling. It was unpleasant.)
Day after day, her daydreams would get more vivid until she could see herself walking around the gate and sitting on the edge of the bridge. Her fingers would tremble when she grabbed the rusted iron and pull herself up. She would cry and think about her family while looking down at the busy highway below until she could muster up enough strength to...
jump.
That wasn't an easy time for her (and to be honest it's pretty difficult to admit at all). But she knows it's a reality for many people.
She didn't understand why she was suffering or what her life had become. She was simply miserable. And a slave to her bills.
She believed there was no way out.
She tried talking to a psychologist because she wanted to talk to someone that wouldn't judge her. On the first visit, she felt like she was being judged. She walked though her painful story (the parts she won’t dare tell her friends about). She fought back tears and choked on the words but got everything out.
Afterwards, her first question to me was "Do you want to hurt anyone close to you?"
HOW IN THE WORLD DID THIS TRICK GET THAT FROM ANYTHING I SAID. #Facepalm
The psychologist continued. She fake smiled. She nodded. (Mostly because she was paying for the full hour.) She left the shrink’s office believing that she must be beyond help.
This time in her life was difficult, but there were a few things that were actually helpful for her to regain her strength and want to live again.
Disclaimer: I'm not a licensed therapist (or even close). Just someone sharing a fellow human being’s story on the internet and hoping to help someone. If you feel you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It is a free, 24-hour hotline, at 1.800.273.TALK (8255).
Call Your Friends
The only times she would get depressed (or feel like dying) would be when she was stuck in her own head. She would spend way too much time scolding herself.
"How could you be so stupid!"
Other times, she was genuinely confused.
"How did you get here?"
She felt helpless.
"You'll never get out of this."
She felt unworthy.
"You're too stupid. You're useless. You're lazy."
She started to call her friends whenever she got a second alone. Even if she was in tears, it was nice to hear a friendly voice to drown out the more negative, internal one.
It was a distraction from her own thoughts but she believes it was the right way to go.
Visit Family
For many people, family has a way of making you feel warm inside - even if you don't know what to do with your life.
During that time, she had a standing monthly date with her close cousin. She would go to her cousin’s house and they would find something to watch together. Cousin Save-Her-from-Her-Loneliness would make dinner and they’d sit together and watch whatever looked halfway decent that week.
In those times, she could only think about how much fun she was having - and how much she appreciated those moments with cousin.
Take melatonin to fall asleep
Melatonin is a hormone that helps your body regulate sleep. (Stole this legit definition from WebMD. Sometimes we’re willing to try anything to turn off our racing thoughts.)
Since she was so disappointed with her life, she would spend the entire night awake wondering how she could pull herself out of this rut. She would think about things she could create, jobs she could apply for, different things she could sell.
Some nights she would get stuck in a negative cycle and spend the entire night crying.
She would end up with very little sleep, maybe an hour or so, before it was time to start the next day.
That's when she started to take melatonin. Any night she realized that her mind was racing or thinking negative thoughts, She would take the recommended dosage of melatonin.
Very often it would help her get to sleep at night so she could finally take a break from worrying.
Find a goal to work towards
At this point, she was used to constantly failing and having doors slammed in her face. This woman was convinced at that point she was a loser. She didn't have the confidence or intelligence to sustain a long term goal.
She associated her identity with failure.
She decided to volunteer.
In the soup kitchen, her only responsibility was to help serve meals. Spoon food onto a plate or soup into a bowl. Nothing too heady. Just reassuring repetive motion.
Wonderful to have a focus on helping others…and doing a good job getting food to others. Too many folks waiting for their meal. No time for dwelling on one own’s problems.
Do everything with other people... EVERYTHING
She realized quickly that her main trigger for negative thoughts and crying was being alone. For better or for worse, she loved to present a positive outlook on life to the outer world and she used that tendency to her advantage.
Solution - find a roommate. Turns out having someone else in the house really helped. It wasn’t about finding a new best friend. Just having another presence.
On the weekends, she found a workout buddy to go to the gym with.
When she was with people, she didn't think (very much) about her pain or how she let herself fall that low or how she'd always be a failure. She could lose herself in enjoying this moment with a friend.... and she was blessed to have friends that would be there when she needed them most.
This is my friend’s story. That means her ideas may or may not work for you. It was worth it to get through hell and come out on the other side victorious (and alive) during the lowest point in her life. For anyone else that’s struggling, just know that it is worth searching for whatever it is that will get you safely to that other side…where you can feel hopeful again.
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